I want to wish you all a fantastic holiday break. I am grateful to have a rest - it has been an incredible year/month/week!
I would like to share with you the last chapter of the book I have written called "Living Healing and Taekwondo" (yes the blog title). It is a tale of the black belt test and I hope you enjoy reading it. I am looking very forward to sharing the whole book with you very soon! This last chapter is titled "Chapter One". See you in a week or so everyone!
Chapter One
What if you considered every day a beginning? How would you start your journey?
The chapters of Living, Healing and Taekwondo that you have just read were written before December 17, 2011. This last chapter, that I am calling Chapter One, is my best tale of the black belt test, written on Sunday December 18th (except for the first journal entry), so that I could remember the details. I have been waiting excitedly to write this chapter, to finish this book with a story of triumph, and a result that comes from healing, dedication, love and passion. This is a chapter that is a beginning, not an end...
Saturday December 17, 2011 7:10 a.m.
I have been thinking that I should feel different, be different after this test somehow. I know better. What I do or achieve is not who I am. So I am stuck with a feeling of why does this matter? Not does it matter, but why, cuz it matters! Because even though the things we do and achieve and the roles we play are not who we are, we serve our highest purpose through them. So that is why. I found something that by expressing myself through it has allowed me to live in passion which is the best expression of myself I can give to the world. I love this stuff and it matters to me which means it benefits others. That might be the only reason we ever need.
Today is going to be a great day. I love you Jonathan and am proud beyond words to be by your side today.
Six and a half hours of magnificently intense, excruciating, fantastic, fighting, love, determination, and family. These are some mediocre words to start you off with to describe the amazing experience I had yesterday. It was everything I had hoped for with a couple extra surprises. I can’t stop thinking about it. Images and sounds of the day keep running through my brain, playing themselves over and over and I don’t get tired of it. I am re-feeling every hug I got yesterday today. I have smiled ten times over when I re-live the cheer that went up in that room when Master Holloway announced that Jonathan and I were now first degree black belts. My eyes tear up every time I think about the moment my son, in pure let down happiness, buried his head in my arm for a hug and burst into tears. Yeah, buddy, I know, I feel the same way.
I want to tell you everything, so I think I will.
Our friend Peter from class picked Jonathan and I up at the house so we could all ride together to the test. I thank you Peter, because I am now not sure if my legs would have been able to “gas” and “brake” for the way home. It was marvelous to have the company on the drive as that period of time in past tests always seems to be the absolute worst as far as pre-test anxiety for me. So we drove and talked and I was nicely distracted from the way my stomach felt. And I will give you a hint, stomach - not good, had to force breakfast down and could only eat half of my planned super power lunch.
Peter having earlier admitted to me that he was equally paranoid about being to the dojang on time, got us there perfectly early. Thank you again Peter. Big sigh, we are here, on time.
I had brought my iPod so I could listen to my taekwondo mix for some pumping up action. I normally do this in my car on the way to a test so nobody has to listen to me sing Van Halen at the top of my lungs. Since I had a ride this time, that wasn’t going to work so I listened to “Jump” and “Dynamite” and a few other good songs while Jonathan and I sat and stretched and warmed ourselves up. It was good. Then more people started arriving (after the anally early people came the normal on time people) and I put Van Halen away to join the rest of my friends for some nervous warm up chatter. I watched as all of our friends came in to join us, feeling happy as I saw each familiar face and smile, the comrades who would do this thing with us today.
“Line up” we finally heard, and formed rows of four across the room. I think there were nineteen of us total and later found out that two of them would not be staying to complete the test so in the end there were seventeen. “Class!” “Cha rutt!, kyung yet!”. Master Lee did a fantastic, loudest I have ever heard “cha rutt, kyung yet”. I actually had a quick goose bumps reaction in that moment. Love it. We warmed up with kicks and then got down to business. Nerves have diminished 90% at this point. Getting physical always helps.
Basic kicks had to be in time with the group. We didn’t do a good enough job the first go around so he split us in two groups and did it again. Most of us are in a full sweat at this point. Forms started with Jonathan who was called out by himself. In random order (harder) he was asked to perform each one. If he faltered or messed up he repeated it. This might have been the first mom reaction I felt inside of me, just wanting him to feel good about what he was doing. I mentally followed each move of his forms and knew when he was off but watched proudly as he picked up where he needed to and kept going. I could hear two others behind me as we all whispered “that’s it” when he would get himself back on track. Realizing then that I wasn’t the only “mom” in the room and in that moment I felt the family that stood around me, that was there for me, and my son. Fantastic, indescribable feeling. I couldn’t help being a mom, but I had incredible back up last night.
Then it was my turn to do the same. I had to get my side kicks to stick. Eventually most of them did. Then forms as a group. The black belts were called to the side to watch the rest of us perform each form as a group. They each had one of us red belts to watch and give feedback to, and then we repeated the form to see if we could fix what we were told needed fixing. Thank you Master Lee for all the tips. Then each of the red belts had to perform their highest form, Choong Moo, solo. The black belt group then did all of their forms as a group. We did a lot of forms. One of my favorite parts of a test is watching the black belt group as they complete, I don’t know, at least nine more forms past the nine that the red belts know, and do it in sync for the most part. It is beautiful to watch, like a dance. It is hard to believe that a person can remember that many forms, one after the other, without missing a beat, but this group does just that. Love it!
Not sure if I will remember the order of events perfectly at this point, but I think one steps were next. There are ten one step maneuvers that we (some of us) have memorized. Those who haven’t are led by those of us who have, which is a nice way to teach them. I had worked on these and had them all down. That was not the case on the last test. Brett grabbed me as his partner which was great because we had practiced together in class the same week, and off we went through each ten.
“Get your pads on” is what we heard next. Sparring might be the hardest part of the test. No, for sure it is because by this time we are getting a little tired and sparring takes a mind body effort. It takes all you have left. And you have to find something left because about half way through sparring you could swear there is nothing. Not one more kick left. I wondered at one point if my foot was going to lift off the ground one more time, never mind actually kick, above the knee.
We sparred in pairs as a group, rotating through, for a long time. I think those are two minute rounds. We line up in two rows facing each other. We take up the entire length of the room at this point and have to deal with sparring our partner and staying out of the way of our neighbors kicks too. I am pretty sure I stepped on and/or kicked someone that was not my partner at least three times. Then he calls out a few pairs at a time, maybe three pairs, and that group goes. Jonathan did this for a while. And this is when the mom in me had a hard time. I knew that this part of the test would be difficult, for him, for me, for all of us. And it was fine. He fought his little heart out, sometimes through tears, at one point through sobs, and then rallied and fought pretty fricken hard in the end with some nice kiups. The entire room cheered him on. The entire room folks! Family. Thank you guys and gals for cheering on my son like he was yours. You are all first class in my book. Thank you to those who gave me a look of recognition during those moments too. A look that said, “I know how you are feeling and it will be okay”.
As we went through the rotation of sparring Jonathan and I were not allowed to be out of the line up. So no breaks. This is tough. I felt sick and was hurting in several places that I can’t remember enough to list right now. And I kept going, finding the something left. Even though you are feeling the pure physical exhaustion at this point you realize that a lot of this is in your mind. You have to stop thinking “tired” and figure out some other thing to tell yourself. “This will be over soon”, “only two minutes left”, “this is all in my head”, “this is your time to shine”, “find what you have left”, are all things I used. It mostly worked. The support from my friends helped tremendously. Thank you Diego for the “pace yourself” speech. I knew that, but wasn’t doing it. To all of you who encouraged me with your words, thank you very much.
Sparring continued with first Jonathan and then me having to take on the entire group of black belts, one by one, for one minute rounds, no stopping. This is when you really think, “I got nothing left” but have to find some anyway. There are really very few appropriately descriptive words for how proud I felt about my son during this time. I am going to repeat myself now, this is hard. It is also what makes you be able to stand up at the head of the room at the end and know you just earned that beautiful black belt you are sporting. If you had doubts about whether or not you earned it before, you do not have any doubts left after this round of sparring. You just don’t. It is magnificent. And you are sparring among the cheers, encouragement and suggestions of your friends, who have been there. You know they know how you feel. You know they want you to succeed. You know they need you to succeed, that your success is theirs.
And then it is over.
And then you have to break a f*&%%! board. Or six in my case. Because that is what my little brain came up with the week before the test. Actually it was supposed to be seven (ending with a hammer fist technique that I had never had the nerve to try before) but I took the seventh board out of the routine at the last minute, out of sheer, oh my god what have I done, panic. I was so sick to my stomach at this point that for a moment I had a thought that I might have to lie down. I rallied, ate a Gu gummy thing or two and the slight increase in blood sugar might have helped. The sickness passed. Thank you God. I am pretty sure a few people talked to me during this waiting period and I just want to say to them now that I apologize if I said something totally spacy or if I did not answer you at all!
Breaking is my other favorite part of taekwondo. There is something so totally cool about being able to do this. Being able to break (six different boards) at the end of a black belt test is beyond totally cool. It is ridiculous. Fantastically ridiculous that we can make ourselves find the power, accuracy and speed it takes to break those boards, at the very end of a test when we are completely spent. Completely spent.
Jonathan went before me with a back kick to three boards, a first attempt for him. He got it on the third try. My routine included a reverse turning kick to one board, a step side kick to two boards and a jump side to three boards. The first two were a breeze. I couldn’t break the three boards with my jump side so I changed my mind and switched to a jump back kick and broke them on the second try! There is just nothing like this. You really ought to try this some time. We watched each of our colleagues finish their awesome breaking routines and cheered after each one. Their success was mine. Somehow the energy is connected in that room. Everyone is quiet in anticipation of a break, feeling the focus of the student, feeling it in themselves and also feeling the triumph when they succeed. You get to feel your own, and then you get to feel it sixteen more times. Love it!
Time to clean up the floor, clear the boards, sweep up the tiny wood shards and line up. We were then asked to sit down. A collective moan was shared as we all managed to get our cramped up, bruised bodies down to the floor. It was surmised that the average age in that room, if you took out Jonathan at eleven and Maggie at seventeen, was probably forty five years. The moaning was a give away. I will tell you that this is an especially in shape group of forty to sixty year olds, that will be forever young by continuing this sport.
As Master Holloway called them the red belts each moved to the front of the room and received their stripes. The black belt degree promotions were next. Three of my friends from the Y received their second degree promotion. There was a fourth degree promotion, two fourth degree third class promotions, and then a pause. Jonathan, me and Lois were left. Master Holloway called Jonathan up to the front and shook his hand while he talked to him about this day being a beginning of the next phase for him. Love it! And then I was called up to stand next to my son. A moment I have dreamt about. It felt like I thought it would, like one of the most incredible moments of my life. Master Holloway announced our promotion to first degree black belt and the room erupted in cheers! Wow! I had goose bumps again. Master Holloway stepped away for a moment at that point to retrieve our new black belt uniforms. I turned to Jonathan, leaned down and asked him if I could give him a hug now (he wouldn’t let me earlier). As he nodded without speaking, his face began to scrunch up into a cry and he buried his head into my arm for a hug and the happy tears fell. I heard someone behind us say “those are happy tears!” I knew it too. He came up for a breath and came back in for a second hug. Ahh. I was a mom, a black belt mom, hugging her eleven year old black belt son, and I honestly can’t describe the feeling. Overwhelming.
We were handed our uniforms and were asked to go change as the rest of the group waited. We came out onto the floor decked out in our crispy new white and black uniforms and marvelously new black belts to the whistles and smiles of our friends. It is really hard not to have a crazy big smile on your face at that point.
Lois was the last to be promoted, to fifth degree black belt. An incredible end to our day. In the company of wisdom, experience, and love. Jonathan and I ran through the gauntlet of our peers for high fives and then a final “cha rutt kyung yet” facing the group. Each of the new degreed black belts did the same. Tradition. Respect. We took a lot of pictures afterward. Great pictures, lots of smiles and hugs all around. I can still feel each of those hugs today my friends. Thank you.
How will you make sure to enjoy the journey?
